Once someone understands what they’re trading away,
they can finally ask: Is this even what I want?
Rachel had just realized how often she said yes out of guilt, habit, or pressure.
And how those yeses were costing her—her energy, her peace, and the leader she was trying to become.
So I asked the next question.
One that seems simple but often shakes people:
“What do you want?”
She blinked.
Then hesitated.
“I don’t know,” she said quietly.
And she meant it.
Because for someone like Rachel—someone who’s always been rewarded for putting others first—wanting can feel indulgent. Like her job is to deliver, not desire.
So I said:
“Don’t worry about fixing anything. Just name it. No judgment.”
She was quiet for a while. Then finally:
“I want to feel like I’m doing enough… without having to be everything to everyone. Without constantly measuring my worth by how much I carry or how many people I don’t disappoint. I want space to breathe—and permission to be human again.”
That was it.
Not a new job.
Not a promotion.
Just a different way of being.
Why “What do you want?” matters
This is the Foundation Question, because it grounds everything else.
Michael Bungay Stanier reminds us: people rarely stop to ask themselves what they truly want—especially in the rush to perform, deliver, or please.
Asking this question gives them permission to reflect.
It re-centers the conversation on agency, values, and choice.
For Rachel, it meant letting go of proving.
And reconnecting with a more grounded, human version of success.
When and how to use it
Use “What do you want?”:
When someone seems lost in other people’s expectations
When they’re stuck in “shoulds” or self-judgment
When you sense the need for reconnection—not just resolution
If they say, “I don’t know,” don’t push.
Create space. Be still. Let the question do its work.
What someone wants might not be a goal—it might be a feeling. A boundary. A belief they haven’t voiced until now.
Why it matters:
Coaching isn’t just about direction.
It’s about desire.
Helping someone articulate what they truly want helps them lead from clarity—not compliance. From vision—not validation.
And when leaders help others rediscover what they want, they aren’t just coaching—they’re liberating.
Your Turn:
Next time you see someone performing on autopilot, ask:
“What do you want?”
Then pause.
Let it settle.
Because clarity doesn’t always speak first—but when it does, it changes everything.
Coming next week on Wisdom Wednesday:
We’ll explore the final coaching question and how reflection can turn a single conversation into lasting growth.
#LeadershipDevelopment #TheCoachingHabit #CoachingMindset #GrowThroughLeadership #LeadToLearn #WisdomWednesday
